The Mongolian Death Worm

Wow, great job! You have been selected for a paleontological excavation in the beautiful Gobi Desert. A land of profound beauty, ancient mysteries, and untamed wonder. Stretching across vast frontiers of towering sand dunes, striking red cliffs, and sweeping gravel plains, this legendary wilderness offers a journey unlike any other on Earth. Here, you can trace the historic footsteps of Silk Road traders past ancient ruins, marvel at pristine desert oases, and search for world-famous dinosaur fossils hidden within richly colored rock formations.

As the sun dips below the horizon, the Gobi transforms into a realm of profound stillness and breathtaking wonder. Away from the glare of modern civilization, the desert night sky opens up into a vast, crystalline canopy, offering some of the clearest, most unobstructed stargazing on the planet. The crisp evening air carries a serene silence, occasionally broken by the gentle whisper of desert winds shifting the ancient dunes. Its quiet beauty invites you to sit back by a crackling campfire and lose yourself in the magic of the cosmos.

While enjoying the magic, silence truly is key…

Step far beyond the beaten path into the deep, remote wastes to follow the footsteps of intrepid explorers, and test your courage against the mighty Mongolian Death Worm. Stretching five to ten feet long, its blood-red skin is striking against the white sand. Famously said to have no visible head, legs, or distinct facial features. Don’t get too close, for the death worm contains highly venomous and corrosive spit that disintegrates anything it touches. That, and the power to discharge lethal electric shocks over long distances.

If you should ever come face to face with the beast, here are some helpful tips to keep you healthy…

1. Tip 01

   Suit up, slip out

   You will need a few tools of the trade for this particular plan of attack. Two wetsuits (rubber is a must to ward off not just acid but electricity), a serrated blade, and several gallons of baby oil. You will need to layer your wetsuits to ward off the initial acid attack — the more layers the better. Douse yourself in as much baby oil as you can find, much like a slip and slide. As you stand in the desert and the worm approaches and lunges for you with its mouth agape, you can then dive inside and down the throat of the monster like a sleeping bag. Once nestled inside, you can then pull out your serrated blade and slice the belly wide open and slide right out.

2. Tip 02

   The drink of choice

   Flying in a vat of Ovaltine is no easy feat but could very well be your only chance of conquering this worm. With the large vat in place filled with vitamins and minerals, a fire hose is attached to the outside. As the worm approaches and lunges at you, like a matador, step out of the way and allow it to wrap its gullet around the hose. A flip of a switch will cause the vat to fill the worm like a water balloon. The vitamin C will be so strong that it will disintegrate in front of your very eyes.

3. Tip 03

   A single mom who works two jobs

   Enlisting the help of Tremors’ own hero Reba McEntire and her basement arsenal of firearms, you are going to set a trap for this ground-shaking menace. Surround a small clearing with the firearms and tell Reba to be ready. Make noise to attract the worm to the center. Once it surfaces, open fire with everything you’ve got. You’ll be singing “I’m a Survivor” in no time at all.

Follow these tips and that troublesome death worm won’t sour your stay in the lovely Gobi Desert. With the threat of shocking and acidic violence taken out of the picture, you’ll be free to dig up dino bones for hours and hours.

Thank you for visiting and remember, there is no threat that a little Ovaltine can’t handle.

Filed by Josh · Black Lung Media