The Squonk

You have encountered a Squonk! A legendary creature that is well known by the American lumberjack primarily in the mountains of Northern Pennsylvania.

Physically, the Squonk is a wretched sight, possessing loose, ill-fitting skin that is heavily covered in warts, moles, and blemishes. Convinced of its own grotesque ugliness, the creature spends its entire life weeping inconsolably in secluded thickets. Hunters and woodsmen who brave the deep woods can sometimes track the beast by following the wet, tear-stained trails it leaves behind as it shuffles miserably through the underbrush.

Despite leaving an easy trail to follow, capturing a Squonk alive is virtually impossible due to its unique and tragic defense mechanism. When the creature is cornered, trapped, or overwhelmed by sudden panic, its body dissolves entirely into a puddle of bitter tears and bubbles, leaving behind nothing for the hunter except a damp patch of ground and a lingering sense of disappointment.

Tips of encounter are easily narrowed down to one in this case, as physical violence is not necessary.

1. Tip 01

   Insult the sadness

   As previously stated, physical violence is not necessary as the creature will dissolve once depressed enough. Perhaps a few jokes aimed at its hideous mother? You can even remark on its appearance or make fun of its illiteracy. Any combination of insults is sure to turn this catastrophe of a being into a smelly puddle on the ground before you.

While the Squonk may not be violent, that level of depression is sure to affect any traveler negatively and make it unbearable to go on. It’s best to dissolve these sad sacks from the start and go on with having a great day.

Thank you for visiting Pennsylvania. Try not to catch the mood.

Filed by Josh · Black Lung Media